Gruntipedia fun: The Beast
The Beginning Frankie's Cat is a terrible feline beast, set loose by Ceiling Cat in order to decimate the world's population. They shall then swoop in, swiftly take control, and catapult Kwarsh their enemies into the sun. Born in a hovel in Scotistan, the Beast was taken in by native Scotistani and mediocre writer Frankie. Raised on a nourishing diet of Gruntiness and babies, the Beast began hunting live prey at the age of two days. It started its reign of terror by assassinating the leaders of the world. Reacting quickly, the Four Horsemen sealed it away in the game Myth, where it became the Lonely Soul. Many centuries later, the game was played. Played by the most unlikely creature imaginable. Bilbo Faggins, of the Shire. The game betrayed Bilbo to his death, and then ensnared a new bearer. Fleeing deep into the Misty Mountains, Kwarsh evolved into a disgusting frog thing. Rumors grew of a shadow in the east. Whispers of a nameless fear. The beast knew. Its time had come... The Beasts' Arrival It is said that at the dawn of time, there was nothing... ...and then suddenly, like a person being rudely woken from a blissfully empty state of sleep, the Universe was born. And IT came with it. Some say that his voice can only be heard by cats, and that he is banned from the city of Chichester. All we know is... he's called The Beast. And he is angry. Oh, yes, he is angry. Nobody knows why his rage rivals that of Hillary Clinton after being passed over for the nomination, either. Only that people and even entire cities that stand in his way have been known to simply vanish - consumed by his sheer outrage at existing. And that he has a target, a scapegoat upon which someday he channel all of his pent-up rage and wreak vengeance upon the universe that spawned him: The Master Chief. But first a little kitty nap. The Beast Battles a God The Beast awakens, refreshed from a good nights sleep, digesting the Grunts it had slain. but its craving for blood was not satiated - it demanded sweeter meats. Spartan meats. And so it takes off, galloping through the jungle. It searched high and low, from the tallest basement to the lowest rooftop, and it found much. Burger Kings, trying to entice it with its promise of value. Absurd clowns trying to assure him that car safety was a good thing. Monkeys, offering it crunch chocolate milkshakes. It consumed them all, drawing them into its maw like a vacuum. But it hunted on, until it turned around - and realized the man it sought had been behind him all along. "We sealed you away. How did you escape?" Asked the Chief. The Beast roared. "Oh, right. Forgot you can't say anything." The Beast picked up a car in its jaws, and threw it at the Chief. The Chief used his godly powers to turn it into a pot of flowers, which only had the opportunity to think "oh no, not again" before shattering on the ground. Suddenly, Arbiturd flew in with a banshee. The Chief jumped on. They flew swiftly...but not swiftly enough. The Beast ran below, trying to keep up with the aircraft. Then, taking its opportunity, it made a huge lunge into the air and grabbed the banshees' tail. It held closely with its little kitty claws. Eventually, the banshee fell to the ground. So Arbiturd was knocked out in the explosion and Master Chief survived along with The Beast. They scrambled to their feet, but Master Chief was faster. He picked up a Wendy's hamburger and threw it at The Beast. "NO!" mewed The Beast, temporarily forgetting about aforementioned speech impediment, "Not Wendy's-it's my one weakness!" The burger hit him. "Grawl! It's high amounts of cholesterol burn!" With that, The Beast died. Arbiturd awoke, and asked "WTF just happened!?!?!?!?" MC bitchslapped him in the face and told him to fix the banshee before he SPLAZ0RZ him... Ressurection LOL! The Beast awoke in heaven. There it saw Cealing Cat and knew it had died to the Master Chief. It begged Him to let it go back to earth and finish the fight. Cealing Cat was in a good mood, for he had just ate a cheeseburger and granted The Beast permission to live once again. So The Beast returned to earth and breathed fire upon it's towns and cities. It fulfilled its' purpose to destroy the world's population. All it had to do now was catapult Kwarsh into the sun. Battle with the Prophet of Haters ...]] ...]] That was when it saw Meat and Taters cowering in the rubble. It decided to smite them with it's claws. It reared back. Then, suddenly out of the blue, came the biggest douche that The Beast had ever seen: it was the Prophet of Haters riding a flaming unicorn. He landed and dismounted. Haters gave it five dollars and the horse flew away. "Do not bring hurtingishness to these bitches!" said he. "Why?" said The Beast. "They might be bitches...but they're my bitches. I will not let you PWN them!" said the Prophet of Haters. So the Prophet and The Beast had an ultimate battle that I'm not going to describe to you because it's so lame it might cause you to dry hump the nearest living thing to you. Eventually they beat each other up so bad that they ended up sitting down and agreeing to let Meat and Taters live, But The Beast was hungry so he nomed all three of them. Second Battle ...]] seals The Beast away...]] The Beast moved on into the misty mountains, searching for Kwarsh. It looked for many days without avail. On the fourth day of searching, The Beast found Kwarsh. It quickly grabbed him and threw him into the sun where Kwarsh was burnt into a radioactive dildo. Then Master Chief came. He seized this opportunity to seal The Beast away once again. He gave The Beast a Battle Rifle shot and The Beast was once again sealed away in the game: Call of Duty. Fate of The Beast Legends hold that the Beast sleeps beneath the ocean in R'lyeh, awaiting the day it shall awaken and fight for dominance over the Earth with Cthulhu. The big sack of green goo shall be helpless before its fury. Others hold that every chain letter and spam email sent by the Beast, secretly spreading its control over the idiots of the world. Once he awakens, he shall use them as his army of wish-they-were-dead, sending them forth to conquer the world! At the end of days, the Beast must inevitably face the only force in the universe able to rival it in terms of hatred and rage - Paul Russel. Their battle shall shatter stars, reduce planets to dust, and make the 2008 US Presidential Elections look like a schoolyard game of hopscotch in comparison. Rumor has it that the extinction of the dinosaurs happened when The Beast channeled his blood-energy into a saber-toothed tiger. Number Of The Beast * 666: the number of the beast * 668: The number of the beast's next door neighbor * 666.000: the high-precision beast * .666: the milli-beast * $665.95: the price of the beast * £665.95: the price of the beast in England * $765.95: with the upgrade pack * $899.95: for the Elite edition, which is not worth it. * $6,666,666,666,666: the amount the beast put us into debt while president of the US from 2001-2009 * 696969: It's favorite position. Kittys are deadly so don't under estimate their cuteness Category:Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse Category:Characters Category:Unseen Characters Category:Douchebags Category:Things that kick ass Category:Assholes Category:Gruntipedia Inside Jokes Category:Featured Category:Shit that Call of Duty copied from Halo.